My Time With: Dark Souls 3

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ATTENTION MUPPETS – This will totally have some sort of spoilers. So, you know, use common sense.

Nathan and Adam are playing Dark Souls 3 like they are enjoying a fine wine, savouring every drop, enjoying its complexities.

You could liken my experience to guzzling a two litre bottle of Coke and immediately feeling violent ill once I had.

I’ve enjoyed the entire Souls series, I even went back and dabbled with Demon Souls. Like almost everybody else, it took a few stumbles before I eventually ‘got it’. Dark Souls 2 was my first, even though I didn’t actually finish it on my initial play through, it was entry in the series that I understood that I could not bend the game to my will, I had to bend to it’s.

It’s a series that destroys all spare brain power I have (granted, it’s not a lot to begin with) until I can rub its dumb, smug, bullshit face in an ending.

Hours 1 – 3

  • COOL INTRO. HYPE INCREASING. FEELING JAZZED.
  • I’ve played the melee character. I’ve played the wizard warrior. Let’s give the defensive magic user a crack.
  • 3 games deep and I still, and will forever, accidently drink a fucking Estus Flask as soon as I get it.
  • There sure does seems to be a lot of bonfires…
  • You’re a very good looking game Dark Souls 3. Except for over that ledge where you didn’t want people to look. Down there you look BAD. Like work experience kid forgot to add the texture, bad.
  • Intro boss, first attempt. Nailed it. This thing is going to be a piece of piss.

Hours 3 – 10

  • Zombie man, chopped. Zombie man, chopped. ZombiWHAT THE FUCK IS THIS MUTATING FUCKING FUCK?!?!
  • This place looks cool, but what are all these things sticking out of the ground? Are they spears? What’s that noise? HOLY. SHIT.
  • Strange wizard man offering free levels? HA! Not this time motherfuckers! I’ll not get caught in your bullshit trap.
  • Huh. ANOTHER bonfire.
  • Did I get soft or did this get harder? Both. It’s probably both.
  • Man with stick. Harder than any boss i’ve attempted. Man with stick. You are my nemesis.
  • Wow, that’s a big crab. And it walks like a big crab. And it’s cutting me in half like a big crab.
  • Poison Swamp? AGAIN? Come on man. Be cool.

Hours 10 – 25

  • Gross Skeleton ball is gross.
  • This place must be super secret, the series of events to get down into this giant cavern was totally fucked. Oh wait. No, that’s just Dark Souls. And what’s that noise? That kinda sounds like that spear throHOLY FUCK!
  • This thing is really starting to kick my ass. Nevermind. Totally going the wrong way.
  • Anor Londo. Look Dark Souls, for my sanity and the structural integrity of the disc you are written to, I really better not fucking find Ornstein and/or Smough.
  • I’M NOT FUCKING KIDDING.
  • There was no Ornstein and/or Smough. I feel cheated now. Fix it game, FIX IT.
  • Dancer of the Boreal Valley. I’ve been waiting for you since PAX last year you motherfucker.
  • You are also much easier than I remember.

Hours 25 – 33

  • Untended Graves? OH, I GET IT. It’s like the start of the game, but completely boned. I wonder if that easy as fuck “boss” is here again.
  • I’m really sorry for talking so much shit Gundyr. You’re a real boss and I apologise for sayinHAHAH GO FUCK YOURSELF YOU PUNK ASS BITCH, You dead.
  • Dude in giant armour or armour that animates like giant dude? Nevermind, his asshole buddy shoots MOTHER. FUCKING. LAZERS.
  • Im literally looking at one bonfire from another bonfire. IT’S RIGHT FUCKING THERE.
  • You’re an awfully Cthulhu looking library… What messed up shit am i going to find in here?
  • Why is there a vat of wax i can dunk my head in? Why would i do that? That also seems unsanitary.
  • Lothric, dude. Calm the fuck down. Also, tell your mate/weird brother dude to also cool his fucking jets. Motherfuckers round here lack a certain level of chill.
  • Archdragon Peak is a super cool area with super cool fights and SUPER DICKISH enemies.
  • Hi Mr Cinder man, you look real bummed out in this field all by yourself. Do you want a hug from this pointy as FUCK, glowing sword? WELL TOUGH SHIT SON, YOU’RE GETTING IT ANYWAY!
  • Hey Dark Souls 3, we need to talk. We had some good times, but i’ve beaten you, you’ve no more to give. I love you, but i’m just not IN love with you. Not anymore. So, pick up all your bonfires and get the fuck out.

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